This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.

sara — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 01:07:08 +0000

my heart is

b r e a k i n g .

okay, i believe you, but my tommy gun don’t- by Brand New.

sara — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 20:25:23 +0000

I am heaven sent. Don’t you dare forget. I am all you’ve ever wanted. What all the other boys all promised. Sorry I told. I just needed you to know. I think in decimals and dollars. I am the cause to all your problems. Shelter from cold. We’re never alone. Coordinate brain and mouth. Then ask me what it’s like to have myself so figured out. I wish I knew. I hope this song starts a craze. The kind of song that ignites the airwaves. The kind of song that makes people glad to be where they are with who ever they’re there with. This is war. Every line is about who I don’t wanna write about anymore. I hope you come down with something they can’t diagnose, don’t have the cure for. Holding on to your grudge. Oh, it’s so hard to have someone to love. And keeping quiet is hard. Cause you can’t keep a secret if it never was a secret to start. At least pretend you didn’t want to get caught. We’re consentrating on falling apart. We were contenders, now throwing the fight. I just wanna believe… in us. Oh, were so contraversial. We are entirely smooth. We admit to the truth. We are the best at what we do. And these are the words you wish you wrote down. This is the way you wish your voice sounds. Handsome and smart. Oh, my tongue’s the only muscle in my body that works harder than my heart. And it’s all from watching TV. And from speeding up my breathing. Wouldn’t stop if I could. Oh, it hurts to be this good. You’re holding on to your grudge. Oh, it hurts to always have to be honest with the one that you love. Oh, so let it go. We’re consentrating on falling apart. We were contenders, now throwing the fight. I just wanna believe… We’re consentrating on falling apart. We were contenders, now throwing the fight. I just wanna believe… in us. This is the craze only we can bestow. This is the price you pay for loss of control. This is the break in the battle. This is the closest of calls. This is the reason you’re alone. This is the reason you fall. We’re consentrating on falling apart. We were contenders, now throwing the fight. I just wanna believe… We’re consentrating on falling apart. We were contenders, now throwing the fight. I just wanna believe… in us

things.

sara — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 22:05:04 +0000

honestly, i should just stop thinking. its getting me nowhere; all in circles.

i have too many questions and no way to answer them.

1. what do i want?

2. how does this differ from what anybody else wants?

3. how imperfect is too imperfect? and how perfect is perfect enough?

4. head or heart?

5. fuck this list. i love how i can’t be honest on MY OWN DAMN BLOG. i dont kinow why i let people read this.

i hurt everywhere and there is not a right answer. there never will be. i wish i could ask you but i don’t want your lectures and your opinions. i just want someone to see through my eyes, and tell me what is right, to know what i mean. to be understood.

i feel like nobody has understood me for too long.

i miss you.

sara — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 06:55:17 +0000

i miss when we could laugh.

when i trusted you.

when you were my friend, and not my mother.

this is living hell, to go through life and not even enjoy talkign to you. you got bitchier and i got crazier and our lives are about to diverge anyway, so i dont know why i even care.

i wonder if you know that maybe we arent perfect, that maybe you contributed.

confused

sara — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 15:47:22 +0000

god, i am so confused. i dont know what to do, what to think.

its hard and unstoppable (twss!). i dont want to be a bad person, but my emotions get in the way.

god, grant me the grace to be the woman i know i can be.

i’m so tired, ive had enough. if there’s one thing i’ve learned, youll always get burned, but you’ll never give it up.

sara — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 05:01:28 +0000

i am so fucking alone.

everyone has left or will leave.

i have stopped coping; just curling into my own pathetic world. i was once a fire and i have been extinguished. i can not recover.

and everyone who was ever inportant to me was gone. you turned into a bitch and i dont know whats okay and our friendship isnt fun anymore and what does it matter, you will shrink away so soon anyway, maybe this is better, to ease into the pain. and you, you selfish little fuck, this is my resignment from your silence and your awkwardness and your playing pretend. you two, you lost yourselves in a world of each other, and i miss you both, but can not reclaim. you decided i was not worthy, because i could not be there all the time. you lost yourself in a world of lies and im too disgusted. all of you, and so many others. the story repeats.

truth is a lie, so is love, and so is friendship.

im gonna fucking die alone, i swear.

painful.

sara — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 06:14:52 +0000

today i realized that maybe it isnt you that’s doing anything wrong. maybe it’s in me.

maybe we are just such horribly different people, the gap cannot close. different dreams, different needs, different standards, different hierarchies. different lives, puzzle pieces we force together, that arent meant to fit but we want them to so bad, we blind ourselves to reality.

maybe thats why we touch, to fight off thoughts and words.

i hope not.

misplace.

sara — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 06:58:45 +0000

i love everything.

i lose my keys. my ipod. my phone. my hair ties. my medicine. you name it, ive lost it.

my friends.

my mind.

my joy.

i miss you. i want to believe you’re not lost…just misplaced. that maybe in the end i’m gonna find them again. but hope is getting harder.

die.

sara — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 21:20:29 +0000

when my life dies, i pretend its alive.

m mom told me i’m in a rut. she says i stay where im comfortable, and i block out the pain because i dont want to admit i’m not happy. i rule out things that could make me happy, genuinely happy, just because i am too afraid of being alone, and i need the comfort. instead, i play pretend.

and shes right. sickeningly, horribly right.

its been a long time since i was content with life. im stuck in the same pattern. i have nothing to hope for. but i tell myself, i’m happy. this and this and this are good, and they will cancel out the things that are bad, and all the things that are neutral. i pretend they can. i know they dont.

i want to live a good life. not a neutral fairytale one.

grateful

sara — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 16:00:31 +0000

i am grateful for josiah maas. thats my thanks for the day.

because hes a terrific friend, effortlessly. in that wierd way where you know there’s absolutely nothing more thats ever going to be there so you can just be comfortable and talk for hours and trust.

that is all. =)